me and my shitty friends

being emotionally tethered. I'm going to shut up about him and then it should get quieter the same way it got bigger when I started talking about it.

if either of them think I'm not going to get involved with this and END IT they've got another fucking thing coming.

fuck cloudless days.

fuck them fuck them fuck them.

jesus christ

a warm happy house in the mountains where you can see the sea. the city is half an hour away but noone lives around here. it's a big warm house with lots of dark comfy corners, it has a fireplace and gets chilly in winter. it's full of artists and skaters and surfers and musos and nice people. and dogs. it's made of wood. it has a lot of trees around and gardens full of food. people love cooking nice things. at any given time someone is working on a project, be it an art project or a party or music or anything interesting. everyone is cute in their own way. there are three libraries: one with smart or classic books. one with books that aren't popular or smart, but are interesting. the last one is for miscellaneous. no tvs. one computer. music plays all the time.

in my dreams

dilemma.

go to school now. do english, which if I don't get done today will destroy my marks.
go to school second period. do art. work on getting a crew for the video.
go to school inbetween those two and instead edit photos for book and look up really really useful photo websites.

ffff.

nobody's family should die
fuck, shaking

I hope daniel's friends are over with him right now.
if his family are fine with it and if he wants them to be
I would go but I don't know him well enough and it would be intruding.
god
this is horrible.

the internet is a bad place for condolences


cars

why is it always the people that are genuinely good






I wrote the above and was about to post it on myspace but don't want to upset anyone at all, even a little bit.
he's a wonderful kid.
I met her once or twice. she was sweet, reserved, composed, generous and. well. when you can tell that people never even think about being bad to someone, she and her brother are like that.
I don't know how she died. I have a horrible feeling it was a car crash. a freak accident, just an accident, something fucking horrible god
his friends should go over
I hope they are now
rob said that when his mother died he found out who his friends were by who came over, and who kept talking to him
please, don't let daniel have that happen to him
I fucked up last time.
I won't again
that's a vow.

ffffffuuucckkk

hottest kid alive
he is actually the hottest kid alive
and he goes to my school.

fffffffuuucckkk

if he ends up being a skater too I'm gonna have to pull a lords of dogtown and charm him by dancing to 'fire'.

jesus
jesus christ

plus, he gives me an excuse to learn more about hip-hop
you know a kid is good when he likes interesting music.
not trendy, necessarily.
interesting.

school is poison.

I feel a bit like I don't fit

don't have family that are really really super close and can share their friends and parties.
bad sense of timing.
not in the in crowd.
bit late to joint the other ones.
too retarded and shy to meet new people.
too afraid to venture.
not interested enough to be interesting.
can't skate.
can't surf.
can't do cardio, bar moshpits.
no self control.
too much control.
hasty. makes plans before knowing all the details.
not attentive enough.

I'll write counterpeices to these later.

got facebook back
qcs is coming, and I hate it
we now have spectacular winter sunrises
splendour is in three days, jane's is coming (!!!!!!)
yesterday I drew 15 pages in a new sketchbook
I hate drama and want to switch to home ec
next week sammy is over and we are going to have a week of teenage girls, vegan cooking, movies and possibly the crack den crew too.
last weekend I learned to skate, sort of, without stacking it once, even going down a steep-for-the-first-lesson hill.
jules and lily and ollie now live in airlie beach, and mum and I visited this weekend and had cold rock ice cream both days. there goes my splendour fitness plan.
oh, and london was lovely.
what the fuck 40 minutes passed since then.

fuck drama and captain neckbeard and his horrible horrible neckbeard.

I am eating a rediculous amount. and apparently I got taller? probs like 5'11 or some shit now.

hahahaa we're gonna freeze this weekend. it will not matter. jane's precludes all the freezing so I'll be happy :)

this term is going to kill me and I am going to love it.





aaaahhh finding out who takes some of your favourite pictures is worth missing harry potter premiere x100.

reconstruct skateboard (gave up on finishing octolady)
- learn to ride skateboard.

get a shitload of cashews a bit of agave syrup.
get a lot of coconut stuff too.
- make vegan ice cream.

keep drawing clothes and designs.
find & master our sewing machine.
- make clothes without spending loads of money.

find out the requirements for this term's art.
- fun times.

and unpack.

do the facebook staff ever actually help you? or do they just dither about?

thing is, some cunt called sam stole the passes to my facebook, gmail, hotmail and modelmayhem. asked for pics of me and friends, I said no, so he deleted facebook and probably gmail too. I already made a new gmail, but I need to know whether I should use the facebook I just made or try and restore the old one.

fuckig work get to work now

I am such a sissy bitch, all the time, or is it everyone else.

qcs was good, I read a bit of 1984. didn't know that was where 2 + 2 = 5 came from, radiohead are smart

how do you force yourself to do things? how do you trick yourself and force your brian into thought patterns that are beneficial and not just fucking weak and lazy, what do people think of me, am I being a self obsessed teenager thinking this, am I honest? am I like my mum and dad? do I hide from something or just get angry at it when it doesn't go my way or fit my point of view? do I hate the people I go to school with, where I live, where I'm scared to go or do I just not fit there? if I do hate them, am I a stereotypical teenager for doing so? this is normal I think. I hope. I hope other people think this stuff too. are teenagers good, bad or delusional? I still remember when I realised that adults are just as fucked up and dumb and shit as teenagers. fuck


when I was really little like 6 and 7 mum, dad and I went on a trip around the world for six months. we went to egypt during that time. we stayed at a hotel shaped like a pyramid but made of mirrors. it had a massive massive pool out back, incredibly deep, which very few people went in even though the hotel was huge.

so dad and I decided to go for a swim! dad was chilling on the edges of the pool and I went to explore. so I swam into the middle and started diving.

halfway down I stopped. the pressure felt like my head was going to pop. but, I thought, I have to reach to bottom. if I go up I'll only have to start again. if I go down, I might faint or my head might pop, but I'll have reached the bottom at least. plus, dad's a fast swimmer. I won't die or anything.

and I swam to the bottom.

being at the bottom of a giant, dark-green tiled pool is an experience. it's empty and a bit creepy but it's solid.


why do I feel like different people at different times? does it really snap that fast or is it just my mind?

I love my mother and my father and my sister and my dogs. I love getting ideas, sometimes for than making them. I think that artists with great ideas shouldn't be glorified over artists that actually make them. cults of personality are... I don't get it, you shouldn't be praised for how your brain works.

but then again. the best brains I know like clayton cubitt, like henry rollins, like wainwright, they come from ages of thinking over and over and over and over and over about things and thinking twice and heaps of antitheses and syntheses. they deserve it.

I wonder what people's brain voice sound like when they speak like the rhythm and tone and how fast.
I like wolf at the door by radiohead a lot because that's what my brain voice sounds like but maybe a bit faster and more neurotic or just less bored.

I'm starting to develop a vendetta against about mes. people should not know about you. they should get to know you. and form their own opinion. unless there are major warnings you want to broadcast to the world like I don't mean to be so blunt or mean or something. fuck, there are so many facets to everything, no wonder I have trouble making decisions.

how much confidence is enough? too much? how much becomes delusional? would I be satisfied if all these questions were answered or just pissed off? is this an avenue for all my weird stupid thoughts to come out, is it adolescent whining, or is it just somewhere to remind me?

I will never be satisfied. fuck


I don't even know who reads this. who the fuck reads this? people I know, strangers, family I fucking hope not and doubt, do I care who reads it?

people are rarely as extreme as the views they posses. I am calm and nice most of the time.

I can feel myself turning into a person I don't like when at school and I can't wait to leave because of this.

torn between so many pretty men! whatever will I do? haha

healthy/neutral foods I like are
grapes
bananas
chai
oranges
tomatoes
watermelon
tortillas
small amounts of stew or soup or rice or pasta
chicken
lavash bread

unhealthy foods I like are
biscuit sandwiches (but only that one time)
things with dairy/cheese/chocolate/milk in
crumbed lamb
too much chicken

my birthday resolutions were
washing my face with water and moisturising every night, check
drinking a glass of water every morning, unfortunately not checked
drinking a cup of tea, perhaps with a biscuit, every night, check
only watching tv on tuesday and wednesday and only then for gossip girl and skins on tuesday and the gruen transfer on wednesday, checked but for the gruen transfer
thinking about the schoolwork I have left to do before I go to bed every night, rampantly unchecked
wearing nice clothes - well.



guess who's in the orange.

finding something useful to do at least 2 lunchtimes a week, mostly check
learning how to cook better, I actually have no idea.


since we're now at the halfway mark, I figured it'd be good to remind myself.

I only need to look at this rose petal lying on the table to know that anything can die with dignity. maybe not grace or beauty, but dignity.

for secret special reasons, that is significant right now.

DANANANANANANANA NANANANANANANANA

bats, man!

the launch was amazing, I made new friends, got acquainted with old ones, took photos, danced, had fun

this year I will get an art job, publish/make a book, and host an exhibition.

today was a bit shite until I remembered that my mood runs in patterns, and if I have a good day I will afterwards have a bad day, usually of the same volume. and today was bad, but not terribly, notably bad, and since yesterday was amazing and fantastic, I am getting off easy today. tomoz will not be good though. I have to hand in an 1000 word art draft. haven't started. shutdown is thursday. hahahah fuck. I might to it on how european artists have a fascination with the folk/native art of other cultures, like gaugin's tahitians, picasso's africans etc

then I can draw that picasso exhibition in to it, even though I don't like picasso. excellent!

I can put chagall in because of diaspora and relate it to modigliani because he is jewish too, and then since I think modigliani moved to france I can relate him to degas through some six-degrees shit, and then I can link that to new orleans when degas was there, then I can link it to clayton cubitt, drawing it into the contemporary era. oh yeah. then I'll throw in some basquiat, and link those to kara walker and aminah robinson even though I think aminah robinson is kinda boring. yeah, she works big. so does alex pardee, but his stuff is interesting. whatever.

I might simplify it though, since the minimum is four artists/movements/cultures and I mentioned more like 40.

awesome. gonna go to bed now and get up early so I can start it. but first I will find some funny/nice videos because everyone on facebook is depressed.

fuck life. I can't believe I'm doing maths and missing modern. last time ever. I quit today.

sometimes I think my life is just waiting inbetween trips.

cities to live in:
melbourne
berlin
la
ny
london

melbourne pros: friends there. amazing shops. possible to find cheap rent and live cheaply. great art. family there.
cons: cold weather. mildly expensive if I get stupid. not that easy to find jobs. a bit pretentious.

berlin pros: cheap as fuck apparently. great art apparently. history. empty buildings.
cons: far away from everything, freezing cold, german, don't know anyone.

la pros: friends have lived there. like people from there. art, yoga, films and music and stuff. warm weather all round. good art.
cons: apparently expensive, apparently two-faced sometimes, intimidating, don't know all that many people, don't know about jobs.

ny pros: friends there, dream college there, busy busy, art is amazing, great shops.
cons: freezing cold sometimes, sometimes too busy, fucking deathly expensive, no jobs.

london pros: near gap kids and family and friends, british accents, good art, good music, apparently good shops.
cons: fucking cold, expensive, few if any jobs.

so london is statistically the best. I'll see when I go there. still keen on melbourne for a bit.

am I sure?

I would like everyone who actually reads this to criticise me.
properly.
if you think I am on a pedestal knock me off it. please. please.

more than anything I want to be a person who doesn't have bullshit. I have seen so much of it. here are some things to criticise me on:

I want to go to america because I think it is fascinating, and amazing, and beautiful. I don't want to go to america because I have heard that people are mostly in their own empirical worlds. like most people here, and I don't want this or that. I would mostly like to go to la because I have heard of the fantastic things there like people making all the time and the mountain and the sunsets and just how people from california seem so chill and bubbly. I would hate to go there and find people that are chill because they don't care or don't want to care in case they are wrong or don't want to because it is just easier than caring.

sometimes I wonder if womb smoke has an effect.

I don't think so.

but trash is in la, and I admire trash because he seems to always work and want to make more things and make them better and I am so happy that he is having the time he is. it comes out in everything he does, in the journals he writes and the pictures from shows. I am very glad. he deserves to be happy.

I would also hate to go there and just be lost and do nothing. I hate to be useless.

I also hate feeling lost, and when I remember that I don't have a home really. well, I do, but it doesn't feel like it. and I know that I'm going to look for it for ages and not find it. the journey will be nice, but the fact of it will suck.

I would like to go to england but it seems too easy and just not right. the main reason I would go would be for the people and people are not reliable.

okay motherfucker, I am afraid of you, but I'll still fight you until you fucking crumble back into my mind and the wind.

fuck off.

and as fucking mundane as it is I hate the cold when it goes by season.

I don't know.

also, I don't know where will be safe. england I think will. america I don't know.

I want a place that is my own.

and I think that the next time I see harry I will kiss him.

see where it goes. why not?

sometimes I wish I liked girls because they are so lovely and pretty, but then I see lovely men and think, eh, not so bad, really.

stuff about transsexuals has been following me for the past couple of days. this happens at least a few times a year; some topic start appearing everywhere.

I have to finish modern. I would hate to let wainwright down.

when he said I don't give my best and that's just me, it fucking cut.


I think if I tried I could be one of those people I admire who cares about things and makes and is busy all the time, and if I gave up being egotistic and started spouting what I think about stuff truly then I might have a very very good chance. but if I do it at school they will think I'm weird or tactless, and if I do it out of school they will either think I'm great or the same as school people do.

I saw a woman who looked a lot like my dad's ex-wife on the train on sunday. I never thought I would be able to actually make good on wanting to hurt someone. to my surprise, it was a possibility. mostly a surprise because of all the other people on the train. I would have tried to fucking destroy her, I would have almost kicked out every tooth I could see, scratched her eyes, tried to fucking choke her with wire I had. I would have spat on her. I don't know if this sounds justifiable. maybe it isn't. she made my dad break down crying in my arms, she made my grandmother cry, she ruined my dad's life for a good year, she tried to seperate me from him, she took everything from the house they lived in, she made him bankrupt for seven years, she

I hate her. I hope she fucking dies.

it's funny, I love people and I don't like my family sometimes, but if someone hurts them

I hope they die

which is bad. it is a skewed moral compass.

I think this week I learned a bit more of what I am capable of. the pool keeps getting wider and wider.

letters to xiola is, out of the vaaaaaaaaaaaa(not really)aaaaasst amount of poems I have read, definitely my favourite. and my favourite line out of it is

I'm scared - and excited.

please tell me everything you think is wrong with me, no matter how small, no matter how you do it, whether it's a preference, an idea, or if you do it anonymously, or somewhere else, or indirectly

please.

I was going to put this on myspace as well and test myself. should I? I'm scared.